The Infinite Improbability of Gate Travel
by CubsKing
Summary: SG-1 should have known it was a bad idea to let Vala suggest a planet to visit when she was bored...
1. Chapter 1

The Infinite Improbability of Gate Travel

Timeframe: Time is an illusion. Lunch time doubly so.

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Stargate or the Hitchhiker's Guide. I do own a copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide, but unfortunately, just the printed one by Douglas Adams. Unless you count my Kindle with internet access to Wikipedia as a real-life Hitchhiker's Guide…

Author's Notes: Yeah, the worlds of these works aren't really likely to coexist. But the story just presented too many good ideas to let it go...

This story has been languishing on my hard drive for years. I finally got a good idea for a title and, after looking it over again the other day, decided it was probably as good as it was going to get and I should publish it. It's complete and 5 fairly short chapters which I plan on posting once a day.

~'`^`'~-,._.,-~'`^`'~-,._.,-~'`^`'~

"Welcome to Stronzalla Gamma, home to some of the best trading in the galaxy," Vala Mal Doran announced to the team as they exited the wormhole.

"From the UAV readings and Vala's intel, it looks like the nearest town is several klicks away," Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter informed them as they stepped down from the Stargate platform. Checking a compass to make sure she had her bearing correct, she pointed to the forest in front of them. "We just have to follow that path."

"Well, let's get moving," Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell ordered his team.

"Before we do that, we may want to change into these," Vala interrupted, producing a bundle of clothing from her backpack.

"Why?" Dr. Daniel Jackson asked suspiciously.

"Well, not only are our uniforms hideously drab, they tend to attract attention. And believe me, you don't want to attract much attention here," Vala forcefully stated.

Both Cam and Daniel's eyebrows shot up at that statement. Teal'c and Sam each raised just one.

"Vala? Is there something you'd like to share with the class?" Cam questioned.

"Like, say, a deal that went south here? Or some other reason we may need to have our weapons at the ready?" Daniel probed.

"What?" a surprised Vala asked. "Oh, no, nothing like that. It's just that the people here might get a little … edgy if they see people tromping around in combat gear. We should really try to blend in."

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Mitchell mumbled.

"Now, let's get everyone changed," Vala stated, starting to separate the items of clothing.

She grabbed a cream colored ruffled top and a pair of brown trousers. "Sam, these should work well for you."

"Here you go, Muscles," Vala said, handing Teal'c a black sleeveless shirt and a pair of khakis.

"Thank you, Vala Mal Doran," Teal'c responded. "Did you not bring something to cover my head?"

"Oh, no one will even notice it here," she assured him, already moving on to the remaining members of the team.

"These should fit you," Vala said to Cam as she gave him a brightly colored shirt and black silk pants.

"And these, Daniel, I spent quite a while picking out especially for you," she smirked, handing him the remaining clothes.

"What about you?" Daniel demanded as he took the stack of clothing.

"Oh, I'm already dressed," Vala replied. She unzipped her jacket, revealing the black leather outfit she had worn when she had initially come to the SGC.

"I thought you said the idea was to _not_ bring attention?" Daniel questioned.

"We don't want the wrong kind of attention," she clarified. "Now, hurry up and get changed! I can't wait to see you in that outfit."

"Vala, these are like 3 sizes too small!" Daniel complained as he held up the brown leather pants disdainfully.

"They're _supposed_ to be tight, darling. But if you need some assistance with them, I'd be glad to help," she offered suggestively.

Daniel grumbled, probably cursing her in a language none of them could understand, as he snatched his outfit back from Vala's grasp and wandered somewhere a little more private to change. The other men followed off to one side of the path while Sam proceeded to the other.

~'`^`'~-,._.,-~'`^`'~-,._.,-~'`^`'~

"I don't usually wear any tops this tight. At least not without a jacket to cover it," Sam tried to object after she changed into her rather snug get up. Vala wasn't paying any attention, though. After a few more attempts to get her attention were also ignored, Sam finally gave up and gave in. As she looked at some of the outfits that her teammates were sporting, Sam decided it could have been a lot worse. After all, Vala could have brought an outfit like hers for Sam! Cam looked like a deranged sea pirate that had picked out his clothing in the dark. Daniel was squirming uncomfortably in his ultra-tight leather pants. Teal'c, by contrast, looked relaxed and very normal.

Sam did have to admit Daniel looked good in the clothes Vala had chosen. The pants were accompanied by a matching brown leather vest over an equally tight black tunic. Vala seemed utterly mesmerized by the sight.

"Well, do we meet your approval?" Daniel inquired.

Vala licked her lips subconsciously. "Yes, you certainly do."

"Alright, then let's move out," Cam instructed.

"Oh, there's one more thing," Vala added, eliciting groans from Daniel and Cam.

"What now? There aren't any green bug-eyed monsters in the village waiting to eat us, are there?" Cam cracked.

"Probably not," Vala dismissed. "There usually aren't any Vogons here, and they wouldn't want to eat us anyway. Now, feeding us to the ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, that's another story…"

"Excuse me?" Cam asked incredulously.

"Here, look it up," Vala offered, handing him a device that looked very similar to a Palm Pilot. The message on the cover, written in large, friendly letters, said "Don't Panic."

"What's that?" Sam wondered aloud. Her interest was always piqued by a shiny new gadget.

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," Vala stated, as if it should have been obvious. "This is what I wanted to say. You're all going to want to have a look at it before we reach the village so that you'll have a better idea of what to expect. Now, come on. Let's hurry up and hide our gear here and get moving so we can arrive in time for Happy Hour."

~'`^`'~-,._.,-~'`^`'~-,._.,-~'`^`'~

"This is _amazing_!" Sam gushed as she examined the Hitchhiker's Guide. Cam had handed it over 10 minutes into their walk and she had been pouring over it ever since.

"I knew that you'd enjoy it," Vala said with a smirk. "I didn't show it to you before because I wasn't sure that you'd ever give it back. I only had my own personal copy before, but I picked up that copy on a … supply-collecting mission recently. Being the wonderful, kind, beautiful, generous woman that I am, I decided to share."

"How magnanimous of you," Daniel said in a voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Isn't it?" Vala asked, ignoring his tone. "One thing I find particularly humorous is the entry for Earth."

Sam punched a couple buttons and brought up the entry.

"Earth," the book said aloud. "Mostly Harmless."

"That's it?" Cam asked. "That's a bit ... short."

"Well, there is a limited amount of space and an awful lot of galaxy to fit in one little book," Vala justified. "It was even shorter before the last update."

"How could it get any shorter?" Cam exclaimed.

"The first time I checked, it only said 'Harmless,'" Vala replied.

"I do not believe this book to be accurate, Vala Mal Doran," Teal'c stated.

"Well, I'll admit the writing does contain some eccentricities," she acknowledged. "For example, there's a separate article about the Tau'ri that mentions your rise as a galactic force even though it doesn't make the connection between your people and your planet. But it really does have some good information if you just search for the right thing. Look up the section on the Goa'uld."

" _Goa'uld_ ," the book intoned. " _A parasitic race of sentient snake-like creatures with delusions of god-hood_."

As the rest of entry came up, Sam let out a sharp gasp. Before her eyes was the most comprehensive list of information about the Goa'uld that she had ever seen. Broken down into sections, it contained maps of System Lord controlled space including disputed regions, space coordinates of capitol planets, current power hierarchies, techniques for avoiding detection on a Goa'uld-controlled planet, trade strategies for making deals, theories on blocking thoughts and wresting control from a symbiot, and even a list of substances that could temporarily or permanently disable the snake. There was even a link to information about the Tok'ra.

"This is amazing!" Sam said for the second time in as many minutes.

"You're welcome, Sam," Vala said with a giant grin. "Now, we're almost there, so try to just follow my lead. And don't gawk at everything like a bunch of primitive monkey-men!"

~'`^`'~-,._.,-~'`^`'~-,._.,-~'`^`'~

Published 07/16/2015


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The Tau'ri members of SG-1 had a hard time containing their disbelief as they entered the town. The buildings looked like they could have been from a city on Earth, but the hover cars and the overwhelming abundance of truly alien life made sure they knew that they weren't in Kansas anymore. Teal'c wore a typically blank face, though he did seem slightly surprised at the diverse crowds. Vala paid it no mind, having been there many times before.

As Vala led them rapidly through the labyrinth of city streets, it was obvious that she had a destination in mind. After a half an hour of twists and turns, they finally stopped when they reached her goal. A single glance instantly identified it as a bar, and definitely not one of the nicer ones. Before they went in, Vala paused to go over her instructions again.

"Remember; let me do all the talking. Just try to blend in," she said. "And relax! Everything's going to be fine!"

With that, Vala pushed through the doors and into the dimly-lit pub.

None of the occupants of the bar reacted to their entrance. With a pout, Vala sidled up to the bar and waved to get the server's attention as the rest of SG-1 followed. A few moments later, the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation OmniServer rolled over.

"What is your order?" the mechanical voice of the server asked.

"Jinnen Tawniks for my 4 friends and me," she replied as she passed over a credit disk.

Within 5 seconds, the droid had set out a row of glasses and filled them up. "Share and Enjoy," the server intoned.

Vala grabbed her glass and took a quick sip. The other members of her team looked at her with varying degrees of suspicion. As Sam opened her mouth to protest, Vala cut her off. "Don't worry. It's safe. You'll like it."

"It's a gin and tonic. What's not to like?" Cam said as he grabbed a glass. He took a swig and very nearly spit it all over the bar.

Vala let out a bark of laughter at the look of shock on Cameron's face.

"What is the problem, Colonel Mitchell?" Teal'c questioned.

"That's not a gin and tonic! It tastes more like Hawaiian Punch!" Cam complained.

"That's what the local version tastes like," Vala explained. "And it's not a gin and tonic. It's a Jinnen Tawnik."

Cam frowned at her as he tried to pick out the difference in the names.

"Just look it up in the Guide," she added as she pointed to the device that Sam was still clutching.

Sam punched a couple buttons to enter her query and received a negative beep. She tried another subject and was again unsuccessful in locating the entry. She turned to Vala and simply raised an eyebrow.

"Alcohol," she informed her teammate.

As the book began to speak, a head popped up across the room. Looking at the woman standing by the bar, a grin crossed his face. He finished the last sip of his drink, tossed his towel over his shoulder, stood up and headed towards the bar. "Well, well, well. Vala Mal Doran. I didn't expect to see you here."

Vala spun around at the sound of the voice. She noticed out of her peripheral vision that her teammates had tensed up, but she paid them no mind as an equally brilliant smile bloomed across her face. She took a few steps before launching herself at the man for a hug. "Ford Prefect! What a pleasant surprise!"

"Vala?" Daniel asked with a note of warning in his voice.

Vala turned to Daniel and flashed him her most disarming smile. "Guys, meet Ford Prefect. Ford is from a planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse. Ford, these are my friends Daniel, Cameron, Sam and Teal'c, from Earth."

Behind Ford, the unmistakable sound of a man choking on his drink could be heard. Ford turned and slapped the man on the back a couple times, trying to shake off his own surprise.

"I'm sorry. Did you say you're from Earth?" the man asked in utter shock.

SG-1 studied the man carefully. He was dressed in a house robe and had a towel thrown over his shoulder. Both items had seen better days and could best be described as 'appallingly grubby.'

"Yep," Cam replied. "Good ol' Terra Firma."

The man cackled with glee. "That's unbelievable! How did you escape?"

SG-1 exchanged surprised looks again. "We didn't escape from anything," Vala explained. "We just gated in from there an hour ago."

"What?" came the cry of shock. "Ford, how is that possible? I mean, you and I were there! We saw it destroyed! Twice! And we were transported away and... and..."

As the man continued to blather incoherently, Ford turned to the array of people standing in front of him. "You'll have to forgive Arthur. He just doesn't handle the subject of the destruction and subsequent re-appearance of his home world very well. I suppose it's understandable, but you'd think that after having been through it several times..."

Ford trailed off at the looks of surprise on the faces of SG-1.

"I think you've got some explaining to do," Vala said succinctly.

"Right," Ford agreed. "Well, come along, then. Arthur, let's go back to our ship."

~'`^`'~-,._.,-~'`^`'~-,._.,-~'`^`'~

Published 07/17/2015


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"There she is," Ford said as they approached the dock. "The Heart of Gold, powered by the Infinite Improbability Drive."

Vala's eyes lit up. "Oh, they finished it! Great! I had been hoping to get a chance to take it for a spin."

Ford laughed. "I like the way you think, but unfortunately for you, Vala, Zaphod stole it first," Ford informed her. "Took it during the maiden voyage. I don't think he's going to let you anywhere near the controls after the last stunt you pulled."

"Hey, how was I supposed to know that the ship would drink all of the booze if we forgot to fuel it up?"

Ignoring Vala's protest, Sam asked the question that was foremost in her mind. "What kind of drive did you say this ship has?"

"An Infinite Improbability Drive. The ship passes through every conceivable point in every conceivable universe simultaneously in accordance with the theory of indeterminacy, crossing interstellar distances in a mere nothingth of a second without all that tedious mucking about in hyperspace," Ford explained.

"That's impossible!" Sam exclaimed.

"No, just infinitely improbable," Ford retorted.

"Ford! You're back! Did you get the lemons and the olives?" came a voice from inside the hatch of the ship.

SG-1 turned to look towards the voice. "Zaphod!" Vala cried, recognizing the voice before even seeing the man. Jaws dropped (or eyebrow raised) on the faces of the four members that had never met the two-headed, three-armed man leaning casually against the doorway. One of the arms came up and caught the bag of ingredients that Ford threw to him.

"Hey, chicky baby! How you doing?" he asked, giving no indication whether he really remembered her or not.

"Not too bad. Ridding the galaxy of evil and looking fabulous doing it," Vala said with a grin. "If I could get Daniel here to admit that he's head over heels in love with me, it would be even better. How about you?"

"Oh, you know. Got elected president of the galaxy, stole this little beauty here and now I'm the most wanted fugitive in the galaxy, baby," he quipped.

Vala's eyebrows shot up. A smirk slowly grew across her face as she sauntered over towards him. "Ready to take me for a little joyride?"

"Oh, belgium no!" both heads shouted at the same time, all three arms coming up in the universal motion for stop. The pair of heads continued a moment later in a tag-team fashion. "The last time I fell for that, you left me stranded on a planet that not only had no hyperspace travel but also was without alcohol!"

"Ah ha! You do remember me!" Vala remarked.

"How can I be expected to function without at least one Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster an hour?" Zaphod continued, ignoring Vala's comment.

"A what?" Cam asked.

Zaphod reeled as if shot. His heads stared at each other in disbelief before turning to Colonel Mitchell. "You don't know what a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is? What kind of uninformed backwater world are you from, anyway?"

"They're from Earth. Same as Arthur and Trillian," Ford interjected.

"Oh. Relatives of Monkey Man, huh? Well, that explains a lot," Beeblebrox said dismissivly. He turned back to Vala. "You must be really scraping the bottom of the Bugblatter Beast cage if you've willingly teamed up with these primitive primates."

"Hey!" Cameron objected.

"Their technology may be woefully underdeveloped but their fighting and strategy skills are among the best in the entire universe," Vala returned. "That's come in pretty useful with the kind of people I tend to run into. Besides, they've learned at a rate almost as fast as the people of Krikkit. They're well on their way to building their own armada of interstellar ships as we speak. And Sam here was a key part of their design team."

Each of Zaphod's heads did a double take. "Well, well, well! Who'd have thought? Hey, maybe you could make some sense of the systems on my ship!"

With that, he turned and headed inside, obviously expecting everyone to follow behind him. Vala looked at her team, shrugged her shoulders and sashayed inside.

"That, gentlemen and ladies, is Zaphod Beeblebrox, former president of the galaxy and my semi-half-cousin," Ford wryly declared as he moved towards the hatch. "Now you can see why the galaxy so badly needs saving."

~'`^`'~-,._.,-~'`^`'~-,._.,-~'`^`'~

Published 07/18/2015


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

By the time everyone made it into the control room / lounge of the Heart of Gold, Zaphod had cut a lemon and mixed himself some drinks. He was triple-fisting his Gargle Blasters, making up for time lost when he was out of ingredients.

Vala had taken a seat on a couch and was looking through a magazine. "Look, Daniel!" she called excitedly as she waved him over. When he approached, she thrust the magazine at him. "He has my issue!"

Daniel took one look at the cover and rolled his eyes. There was Vala, dressed and posed provocatively just under the headline of the magazine, Playbeing.

She reached out and grabbed the magazine back again, flipping a few pages and showing Daniel some of her favorite poses. "Give you any ideas?" she asked suggestively.

"Yes," Daniel replied.

Vala dropped it and clapped her hands. "Oh, Daniel, I knew you'd-"

"It appears that taboos about nudity are not just an Earth-derived human cultural development," he said in lecture mode. "That means that either the Ancients also influenced other cultures or that it came from a moral code that preceded even them!"

Vala smacked his shoulder with the magazine as she huffed and got up off the couch.

"What was that for?" he asked in confusion.

"Only you could look at an image of exquisite beauty like this and ponder the galactic sociological implications!" she cried as she rushed out the door of the bridge. The door gave a sigh of pleasure as it opened and closed.

Daniel allowed himself a triumphant grin. Turning around, he focused back in on the conversation engaging the rest of his team. Arthur, who seemed to have finally regained some composure, was telling his story. The other members of SG-1 were listening intently. Ford was standing nearby, appearing to have zoned out. Zaphod was continuing to consume an astounding amount of alcohol, paying no mind whatsoever to his guests.

"-Of course, I didn't believe him at first. Once the Vogon Constructor Fleet showed up and announced the imminent destruction of Earth, though, I changed my mind and followed him. We managed to thumb a ride out just before the planet was demolished to make way for a hyperspace bypass, of all things."

"Wait a second. You hitchhiked off of a planet?" Cam asked. "How?"

"An electronic thumb, of course," Ford answered.

"Ever since then, I've been traveling forwards, backwards and sideways through space and time to try to get back to my Earth," Arthur continued, "Or at least an Earth reasonably like mine. I've been to a few, only to have to leave for one reason or another and be unable to get back. I've met a phenomenal girl, only to lose her in a hyperspace jump. I've been introduced to a teenage daughter when I didn't even get to have the fun of making her. I've seen the end of the Universe, been thrown out of an airlock without a spacesuit and ridden across the gap between dimensions on the back of a Perfectly Normal Beast. But what I really want is to go home. To just go home to rainy old England. Where I can get a real, honest to goodness cup of tea. And now you've told me that it's back again! I don't think I've ever been more excited in my life! But if I go back there and it gets destroyed again, I'll... I'll... Well, I don't know what I'll do, but I'll definitely do it!"

With that, Arthur stalked out of the room.

The Cam and Sam looked at each other in confusion at the rant that they had just heard.

"You'll have to forgive Arthur," Ford interjected. "When he gets into a tizzy, you just have to let him run himself out of steam. Now, who would like to … Wait, where did Vala go?"

Daniel opened his mouth to answer but was cut off by Ford.

"Eddie?"

"Hi, guys! I'm Eddie, the shipboard computer, and I'm pleased as punch to meet all of you!" came the ethereal voice of the ship's AI. "I'm sure that we're-"

"Eddie, where's Vala?" Ford interrupted.

"You mean the human woman who left the bridge a few minutes ago? I'm happy to tell you that she's been wandering the ship looking for a control console," Eddie answered.

"That's not good," Ford mumbled.

"Don't worry, I gladly informed her that there's no need for terminals outside of the bridge!" Eddie enthused. "She's just set me to work calculating the proper coordinates for an improbability jump."

"Computer!" Zaphod shouted in panic. "Cancel that order!"

"Sorry, guys. I'm afraid I can't do that," Eddie responded. "She's locked all other commands out of my system."

"Oh, Belgium!" Zaphod cursed. He quickly downed all three of his glasses and started mixing another round.

Just then, the door to the bridge sighed with pleasure and opened as Vala pranced in.

"Vala," Daniel said with a warning tone in his voice.

"Yes, gorgeous?" she said with a smirk as she stepped into his personal space to hang on his shoulder.

"Where did you tell the computer to take us?" he demanded as he shrugged her off.

"Oh, that," she replied as the mischievous look came across her face that always meant trouble was on the horizon. "I told it to take us to greatest restaurant of all time."

"And I haven't had a question this hard since that time I was asked why the ignorant monkey likes tea," Eddie added.

"I thought you wanted to come here for some trading!" Mitchell complained. "Now you want to just up and leave?"

"No, I just wanted to go somewhere interesting," Vala said dismissively. She waved at the surroundings. "I think this qualifies."

Cam started to grumble again. Before it could escalate to a full-blown rant, though, Ford pressed a glass into his hand. He noticed that it looked the same as the ones that Zaphod was continuing to drink. "What is it?"

"A Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster," Ford replied. "It looks like you could use one."

The Colonel looked at the glass for a moment before shrugging his shoulders. He took a large mouthful of the drink.

He swallowed.

And immediately started coughing.

"Now that's one hell of a strong drink!" he said when he finally regained control of his airways. He took another pull on the glass, though this time much smaller than the previous gulp. Looking at his team, he noticed Vala smirking at him, Teal'c raising an eyebrow, Daniel frowning at Vala and Sam consulting the Hitchhiker's Guide again.

" _Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster_ ," the guide announced suddenly. " _The Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is the best drink in existence. It was invented by Zaphod Beeblebrox. The effect of a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick_."

"Well, that sounds about right," Cameron muttered as he listened to the book list the recipe. Even so, he continued to sip his drink.

"Ford, before the ship decides where to take us, we should probably get everyone else ready," Vala said. "Do you have any extra Babel fish?"

"What?" came a chorus of questions from the members of SG-1.

"Sure," Ford replied to her, ignoring the question. "Eddie! Tell Marvin to find the babel fish and bring them up here."

Just as Vala was about to tell her teammates about the fish when she heard another voice.

" _The Babel fish_ " The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy quietly said from where Sam still held it in her hands, " _is small, yellow and leech-like, and probably the oddest thing in the Universe. It feeds on brainwave energy received not from its own carrier but from those around it. It absorbs all unconsious mental frequencies from this brainwave energy to nourish itself with. It then excretes into the mind of its carrier a telepathic matrix formed by combining the consious thought frequencies with nerve signals picked up from the speech centres of the brain which has supplied them. The practical upshot of all this is that if you stick a Babel fish in your ear you can instantly understand anything in any form of language. The speech patterns you actually hear decode the brainwave matrix which has been fed into your mind by your Babel fish."_

Daniel stared at Vala for a moment in disbelief. "You have one of these?"

"Yep!" she answered, smirking at him.

"You're telling me that you can understand any spoken language and you've never mentioned it before now?" he asked, incredulously.

"Why would I want to do that?" she said flippantly. "If you'd have known, you'd have made me sit with you in that boring office all the time, translating a never-ending series of lectures."

Before Daniel could come up with a sufficiently scathing response the door to the bridge sighed and opened. In walked a robot that somehow managed to give off an aura of hopelessness.

"I've brought you the Babel fish you requested," he said as he handed a fish bowl to Ford.

"Excellent! Here you go," he said, handing the bowl to Vala to distribute to the other members of SG-1.

"No, don't thank me. Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and I've again been reduced to menial labor," Marvin groused as he turned and walked away. "And me with a terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side."

The sound of his complaints could be heard for a few more moments as he shuffled out the door and down the hallway before the door sighed with pleasure and blocked the sounds of his griping. The members of SG-1 looked at in confusion.

"Well, that was … unusual," Cam finally said.

Ford shrugged. "That was Marvin. You get used to it."

"OK, guys! I've calculated which restaurant is the greatest one ever," Eddie piped up. "And I'm pleased to tell you that we will soon be returning-"

"Oh, Belgium, not again," Zaphod groaned as he downed another trio of drinks.

"To the Restaurant at the End of the Universe!" Eddie continued over top of Zaphod's protests.

Before anyone else could say anything, the Heart of Gold turned on the Infinite Improbability Drive.

"Is it just me, or do you feel different?" Sam asked.

"It appears that we have been turned into the Knights Who Say 'Ni!'" Teal'c stated. "And the couch has been turned into a killer rabbit."

"Run away!" Cameron shouted.

Before they could move, the rabbit stood up and morphed into Bugs Bunny. It pulled out a carrot and started to nibble.

"Don't worry. We should be back to normal soon. Until then, expect to see some strange things," Ford explained.

"Like those elephants in tutus performing Swan Lake?" Sam questioned.

"Exactly," Ford replied as they all turned to stare across the room.

"You know, they're rather graceful for elephants," Daniel opined.

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed.

The room suddenly snapped back to its original state.

"And normality has been restored," Ford declared.

"Or at least as close to normalcy as we're likely to see out here," Arthur said as he came back into the room, holding a saucer and a steaming tea cup. "Where has the bloody ship dragged us this time?"

"We've arrived at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe," Eddie cheerfully said.

Arthur dropped his beverage that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. "Fenchurch!" he shouted as he sprinted for the exit.

Ford shook his head before he also started for the door with Vala hot on his heels. Zaphod ambled off after them, still holding several drinks.

Cam shrugged his shoulders and looked at his remaining teammates. Already feeling the effects of his Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, he was ready to agree to just about anything. "Might as well. SG-1, let's move out."

~'`^`'~-,._.,-~'`^`'~-,._.,-~'`^`'~

Published 07/20/2015


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

By the time SG-1 was reunited inside the busy restaurant, Vala had already been seated. Ford sat next to her. Zaphod and Arthur were nowhere to be seen.

"Where did the other two go?" Cam asked as he was seated by the maître d'.

"Zaphod is at the bar ordering himself more drinks. Arthur is probably in the back searching frantically for his girlfriend," Ford replied. He perked up suddenly as he heard a familiar voice. "Hey, I think Trillian is here!"

"Ooh! I love her reports on the Sub-Etha News!" Vala cried. "You know her?"

"Sure! Come on, I'll introduce you," Ford offered as he got up.

Vala leapt out of her seat and dragged Daniel out of his as well. Sam followed to make sure that they stayed out of trouble while Cam and Teal'c stayed put to look over the menu.

After a few moments of weaving through the tables, Ford stopped. He tapped a woman on the shoulder and said, "Hey, Trill. Good to see you! Fancy bumping into you here."

She turned and smiled at him. "Hello, Ford. Good to see you again, too. Who are your friends?" She looked over Ford's shoulder and gasped. "Sam?"

"Tricia?" Sam queried, equally as shocked.

"You two know each other?" Ford asked in surprise.

"We went to grad school together," Trillian explained.

"Small universe, huh?" Sam commented with a smile.

"I'll say," Trillian agreed. She placed a hand on the arm of the large, brawny man sitting next to her. "Anyway, this is my date this evening, Thor."

" _Thor?_ " three shocked voices chorused at once.

"Greetings, Colonel Carter, Daniel Jackson and Vala Mal Doran," the Norse god said in an unusually deep voice.

"That's funny. He doesn't look Asgard-ish," Vala remarked.

"Yes, why is that?" Daniel asked.

"On occasion, I enjoy what I believe your people call role-playing," Thor responded.

Trillian's jaw dropped open. "So this isn't what you really look like?"

"It is not," Thor replied. He touched a device on his chest and quickly morphed into a small Roswell Gray.

Tillian looked aghast. "What about all the times we... you know?"

Sam and Daniel's faces drained of color while Vala suddenly perked up.

"That was a mental image I didn't need!" Daniel whined.

"Oh, come on Daniel!" Vala wheedled. "Don't you want to know how-"

"No!" he shouted.

Sam looked again at Trillian, who appeared to be gearing up for an argument with Thor. She decided to let them be for now and to come back later to talk to them. Ford fell into step beside her while Vala and Daniel continued to bicker as they followed behind.

"Well, that was fun," Ford remarked dryly as they navigated the maze of tables to return to their seats.

Sam shuddered. "Let's not talk about it. I don't even want to think about it." As they reached their table, she added, "I think I need one of those drinks of Zaphod's."

"Whoa there, darlin'," Zaphod objected as he clutched his three glasses tightly. "If you shimmy over to the bar I'm sure they'll make you one, but these are all for me."

Sam raised an eyebrow. Instead of responding, Zaphod quickly took a sip out of each glass as if to mark them as his.

Just as Sam stood to head for the bar, the waitress arrived with Arthur hot on her heels. She heaved a long suffering sigh. "I told you that my shift isn't over yet, Arthur. Now, if you'd stop pestering me and just sit down and order, I could get done sooner."

She looked at the others seated at the table. "Sorry about this one," she said to the portion of the guests that she hadn't already met. "He seems to keep forgetting that to go gallivanting across the galaxy requires at least one source of income."

"I did have a job back on Earth as a producer for the Sky networks," Arthur defended. "But since then-"

"Ooh, did you produce anything I would know?" Vala asked eagerly, interrupting whatever rant Arthur was about to begin.

"Probably not," he admitted. "I mostly worked on importing shows from Canada."

Vala slouched back into her seat with a disappointed huff.

"I'm sorry, do you know much about Earth?" Fenchurch questioned.

"We're from there," Cam answered. "Just left home a few hours ago."

She turned to look at Arthur. "But how is that possible? It was destroyed! I've seen the wreckage!"

"That's a very good question," Sam said with a brilliant smile. "I have a few theories about that. First, we could be-"

"Sam!" Cam shouted. "Can it wait until after we order, and preferable when I'm not around? I've got a big enough headache already!"

Sam gave a self-satisfied smirk to her teammate as she halted her exposition.

After everyone placed their dinner and drink orders, Fenchurch returned to her waitressing duties, not before making Sam promise that they would talk later.

A few moments later the show started. Throughout the meal, Sam could be heard muttering about the physics and engineering required for the restaurant's spacetime bubble. Vala was more interested looking at the other guests, and Daniel was peppering her with questions about their cultures. He tried to engage the others at the table but while Teal'c remained as inscrutable as always, Cam, Arthur, Ford and Zaphod actively ignored him so they could eat their meal in peace.

Just as the universe was exploding, Thor and Trillian stopped to say goodbye on their way out.

Trillian handed Sam a business card. When she turned it over, it read:

TRILLIAN ASTRA

LEAD REPORTER, SUB-ETHA NEWS

11-23-5-813213-4558914-42-3-3 x377610

"That's my office number," Trillian said. "They should be able to get a hold of me whenever I am."

Sam opened her mouth to ask about the last part of Trillian's statement, then closed it as she realized where and when she was and how she'd gotten there. Instead she asked, "How am I supposed to call you? I don't think AT&T has a galactic service plan."

"O'Neill has a communication device that can access the galactic voice network, Colonel Carter," Thor interjected.

"Oh, he does, does he?" Daniel asked.

"We'll have to talk about this when I get home," Sam declared.

"Indeed," Teal'c agreed.

"I wish I could be there to see that," Trillian said wistfully. "Unfortunately, I have to get back to work."

"And I must return to my fleet," Thor added.

They turned and strolled out hand in hand.

"Well, I guess they worked out their problems," Vala noted. She turned to Daniel and added, "It's nice to see that some Earthlings can show their interest in people from other planets."

Daniel ignored her comment, instead standing to get himself ready to leave as the show wound down.

"Well, this has certainly been interesting," Cam said as he also prepared to leave, "But we need to be getting back home. General Landry needs to hear about all of this."

"Yes, I don't suppose he would like being left in the dark. Authorities rarely are," Ford agreed. "Arthur, you better go get Fenchurch. Now, come on Zaphod, time to go."

A few minutes, they were all assembled back on the Heart of Gold.

"Eddie, set coordinates for a friendly planet with a Stargate," Ford directed the shipboard AI.

"Sure thing!" it cheerily replied. A moment later, the ship turned on the Infinite Improbability Drive.

"Is that a real life game of Space Invaders?" Cam asked.

"Being played by Mario," Sam added.

"I'll be real glad when we're back to plain ol' gate travel," Cam commented as he looked at his teammates. He did a double take, then commented, "And now we're all Muppets."

"Wocka wocka wocka!" Fozzie Teal'c exclaimed.

"Normality has been restored," Eddie declared. "I'm delighted to announce that we're in orbit around Magrathea."

A moment later, a holographic head appeared on the bridge display.

"Belgium, not again!" Zaphod muttered as he downed more Gargleblasters.

SG-1 looked at each other, confusion and worry creasing several faces.

"Slartibartfast, please," Ford ordered the hologram before it could begin its prerecorded schpiel.

The image flickered, then let out a sigh. "Very well," it said in a bored voice. The image dissolved.

A minute later, another man appeared out of thin air. "Hello? Oh, it's you. I suppose you're wanting to land?"

"And we'd like to use your Stargate," Cam added.

"I see," he replied. "Well, I'll send your ship the coordinates and meet you there, then, shall I?"

"Alright," Ford agreed.

A few minutes later, the Heart of Gold touched down in an open field 100 yards from the Stargate. Slartibartfast was just climbing out of his hoversled parked next to the DHD.

"Hello, Ford, Arthur, and friends. Welcome to Magrathea," he said joyfully as the group (minus Zaphod, who had finally passed out) approached. "It's always nice to have company."

"We're not staying long," Ford informed him. "We just came to let these guys return to Earth, which, much to our surprise has been undestroyed. Again."

Slartibartfast's face lit up. "Earth? You're from Earth? Have you ever been to a place called Norway?"

"Can't say I have," Cam said. "Daniel, dial it up."

"I did Norway, you know," he continued. "The fjords were my idea."

"Right," Cam drawled as the gate wooshed to life. "SG-1, let's move out."

"Oh, you're SG-1? The mice have told me all about you!" the Magrathean said excitedly.

"Mice?" Sam wondered aloud.

"Don't ask!" Arthur warned. "Just go!"

"Aren't you and Fenchurch heading back to Earth with Vala?" Ford asked his traveling companion.

"Not today, but they left us a device to let us contact them later," Arthur replied as they watched SG-1 disappear through the Stargate. "We were hoping to swing by Ursa 54 still this evening."

"I could go for one of their crushed cheese salads," Ford agreed as they turned to head back to the ship.

"What about me?" Slartibartfast called out to the rapidly retreating backs of his one-time traveling companions.

When he got no response, he mumbled to no one in particular, "I get no respect, I tell you."

~'`^`'~-,._.,-~'`^`'~-,._.,-~'`^`'~

Published 07/21/2015


End file.
